Every once in a while, the bamboo forests of Chengdu grow so thick that pandas from all over China are called upon to help feast on and then shit out, shoots of bamboo that the Koreans thus later eat and is what they call kimchee. So the head panda from Vans, we’ll call him Mattypants, summoned a group of pandas; Dan-da Panda, XuYing the Grizzly Panda, Cyres-the man eater, and Kengqu the Wind Surfer, and told us we’ll be joining the bamboo feasting celebrations in Chengdu this year and to make sure our stomachs are empty because we’ll first be doing a demo to show other pandas how we can eat so awesomely.
After some slight weather complications and flying clouds not being able to hold our weight, we all managed to make it to Chengdu on a Friday night. Kengqu the Wind Surfer brought along his female panda in training and instead of hopping on a 3 hour flying cloud like the rest of us, embarked on a 42 hour unicycle ride all the way from Shenzhen to Chengdu. Believe me, two pandas on one unicycle can be quite a feat, let alone riding for over 40 hours!
So after all the mandatory panda tickling and licking of eyeballs like the geckos do, the magical-radical pandas put on an amazingly awesome demo at the Baby Dragon competition. The name is quite alluding considering the only dragons there were the bamboos in these pandas underpants. Like Pinocchio and lying, the more bamboos pandas eat, the longer their magical bamboos get. Good thing they retract like a star wars laser sword, as some have been known to be as long as twice the circumference of Saturn’s outer rings!
The demos went off without a hitch, and the pandas shredded so much gnarly bamboo, the local pandas were blown away by their munchin skills that they all kimcheed their pants. I think I even saw a panda cry, his tears turning into rice wine the moment it mixed with oxygen. Good thing too, because besides eating bamboo, the regular grass is so spicy that you need to apply rice wine ointment to the butthole to keep it from melting into one massive manhandled kimchee dispenser.
Mattypants was so kind as to allow the group of magical-radical pandas to stay in Chengdu for two extra days after the Baby Dragon bamboo fest, to feast on bamboo forests that no other pandas had ever ever been to! What a delicious treat! Mattypants was so excited he farted and blew a hole into a wall and broke his sight-enhancing x-ray glasses in the process. The rest of the herd was so excited they annihilated and then kimcheed all over the new bamboo locations so no other pandas could ever eat there again. They even spelled their names in kimchee, how extreme.
As our bellies became too bloated with all this recent consumption of bamboo and reverse eating of rice wine, the trip came to a close. We all took our separate clouds back to our cities, while Kengqu the Wind Surfing panda and his panda-ness once again hopped on their unicycle in search of the next great bamboo destroying forests. All panda thoughts being upon the radical super eating that took place over the past four days. The Japanese hot dog champion would be proud. Until then, then.